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Author Topic: I have't posted here in forever but I have

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2011-02-08 14-42-00

I have't posted here in forever but I have a problem. My SO is very into the idea of bondage and ropework...he's actually pretty good at artistic roping.. Actually I have problems. The first is that he only wants to cause pain. He has no idea how to give pleasure. For example, I have sensitive nipples and he got clamps. He just snaps them on, even though I've told him I don't like them. They just hurt. When he takes the ropes off, it's like he has no concept that if he pulls them off me, and I get burns, it just hurts. It is NOT PLEASURABLE to me. I like spanking and hair pulling and penetration, and I like the ropes, but he doesn't seem to "get it". I don't like physical, actual pain. I don't like metal-to-bone cuffs and being flipped around. When he uses cuffs or collars or whatever, I don't get ANYTHING out of it. Nothing.pleasure. Which brings me to my second question. How can he be taught to be a "good dom?"? I don't want to hurt his feelings.
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2011-02-11 4-09-45-

perhaps he needs a mentor to show him a better way to do things I would see if you could find someone loy that could help him out I am not sure if this is something that can be taught without his willingness to do so. join,there are terrific groups there that may help and,if he is not willing to learn, then don't play with him any longer
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2011-02-12 0-24-35-

First, I would have to tell you to be completely honest with him OUTSIDE the bedroom. These types of conversations are best when not in the heat of the moment. Second, why is he continuing something that only causes you pain? Have you given him the impression that you enjoy them?
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2011-02-13 4-48-52-

Send him this post. If he doesn't get the gist after that, then he's hopeless.
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2011-02-19 2-52-52-

Build up is helpful Maybe you could share my thread with him as an example (in addition to your own) of how you can mix pleasure and pain more easily if you build up to more pain through the use of pleasure.
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2011-03-06 8-18-14-

That's great. I am going to show it to him. Part of the problem is that he has had only serious girlfriends before me, and was when he was much younger. WHo the heck knows what they're doing when they're sixteen? LoL. So I don't know that he understands the concept of foreplay in a mature adult sense of the word. I've tried "teaching by doing" on him too.
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    2011-04-15 15-50-49

    And another thought - I wouldn't allow him to touch me unless he could do it in a respectful, mutually satisfying manner.
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    2011-05-29 12-12-35

    I understand the 'new' part look into fetlife lots of good info and local folks that can help...and I understand not knowing..and I hope the best for both of when you say you get noting out of it???? When I top ot bottom my partner plesure is always my first concern..maybe I am strange in that..but is SO is not enjoying it then I am not either
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  • aversano

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    2011-07-17 15-40-26

    A Dom can be taught an arrogant jerk might be harder...not trying to judge but why are you afraid of hrting his feelings when YOU told him what you do not like and he does it anyway. What he is doing is not consensual kink...he is robbing you of your digity..and that is not being a considerate Dom..or even a considerate person... Communication is the key to every aspect of life..and my dear this behaviour has more to do with some deeper issues in voth of your lives...One is why he hurts you (and continues when you ask hi to stop) and another is why you take it...a sub is not a doormat for abuse..and love does not keep silent when someone is abusing you..
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    2011-08-25 8-34-57-

    Yeah - what he said!
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    2011-09-02 1-26-14-

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    Full Member
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    2011-09-04 6-23-21-

    i do as well but she told him she did not like it and he continued...something wrong with that
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    2011-09-29 17-23-43

    Werd... A+
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    2011-11-21 10-42-53

    Boys are sensitive about performance. He's a wonderful man, not a boy any more, and def. not a jerk in any way, but I don't think his previous gf's did any service by his future gf, ie me. I think that this is going to be a long and I hope a pleasurable journey for both of us. I like sex, all kinds, but I like to make love too, and I'm afraid that since I'm the first that he's expressed this desire to, that it's going to be all bondage, all the time, and I don't want that. Do you all have "vanilla sex" too? Without kink?
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  • jorge

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    2011-12-18 9-52-19-

    absolutely.......not a lot but I do
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  • wilmajanet

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    2011-12-25 6-47-09-

    perhaps you could ask for his approach to the whole situation. It's understandable that since he's never had the outlet in his past to openly express his kink...that he is now acting like a fat kid in a candy shop. Perhaps reminding him that too much of ANY good thing isnt healthy and telling him that you are attracted equally to BOTH his Dom side AND his more gentle, loving side...then he will get the picture clearly? And the earlier comments were right on target regarding the pain issue. It is PERFECTLY acceptable for ANY submissive to have limits and stick by them. There are varying levels of pain, some can be good, some not so good. You do need to draw a line at what YOU feel to be ANY activity you don't wish to participate in, or ANYTHING he's done you wish not be repeated.
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    2012-01-10 2-42-11-

    TY all. I knew I would get some great advice here. There are at least three things in your various posts that I can act on right away. I hope your holidays were all full of good clean dirty fun and joy. Thanks for your suggestions; I'll let y'all know if all is getting better. Oh, and spankmenow..."I" was Mrs. Claus. LOL.
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    2012-02-17 8-56-57-

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  • auger

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    2012-04-26 8-27-22-

    lots of good advice above...... tell him what you said in your OP outside of the bedroom then tell him he has to learn proper technique or you will not play any longer then engage some sort of mentoring plan/person so all of the above as stated by the wise contributors of the 'fo
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