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Pages: subs... or switches with heavy sub side [1]
Author Topic: Subs... or switches with heavy sub side
sorce

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2011-02-08 20-58-05

subs... or switches with heavy sub side I need some help. My sub has been coming along very well. very eager to please and completing all assignments on time, etc. I have said to her that it takes a very strong person to be a submissive. and that she will hopefully learn to draw strength from her submission. Something happened this week, twice, and the way that she dealt with it both times, the outcome was very different. The second time, I say, she turned to her submission for strength and used it. I am having a very hard time explaining this to her. She is getting caught up in the words Power and strength. she says that she doesnt understand how her submission makes her strong. And that she always thought that subs looked for Strong Doms, not the other way around. Does anyone understand what I am trying to teach her? Any help on getting it across to her?? Thanks
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pleasant

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2011-02-11 15-24-04

I wouldn't say I draw strength from my submission, but I do draw energy from it. My submission is my safe haven where I can rest and re-energize. but really, not to use the most trite answer in the book, but I think everyone's submission means something different to them. Myself, I have enough inner strength that my submission is about something different. My thought for you is that it might be something altogether different for your sub (door #3) -- have you thought about exploring with her what her submission means to her?
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  • kuhl

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    2011-02-13 0-42-10-

    her submissiveness comes from her desire to give up control I am not sure if that is what it MEANS to her, in a deeper sense. But this is probably a very good discussion to have again with her. Maybe I am using the wrong terminology in My explanations to her. She got yelled at by her boss earlier in the week, it destroyed her. That night she told Me about it (we are in a new D/s relationship) and I told her that he does not have the power to do that to her. she took that power away from everyone and gave it to Me. I am the only who can make her feel like that. Others many chastizse or yell at her, she may have to change the way she performed her work ( or house work at home or what ever it is she is being berated for) but the person that is yelling at her cannot make her feel like a whipped puppy. they have no power over her to do that. Only Me (and I hope I never make her feel THAT bad). nights ago he yelled at her again, but she drew on My words and did NOT let him push her into that hole, as before. I told her that she is drawing strenth from her submission by doing this, but she still doesnt seem to understand. This is her second attempt at BDSM. The first was a disaster with some McDom who, I think, really did some harm (psychological) to her.
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    okuda

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    2011-02-20 15-57-41

    well take it out of the D/s and just as relationship.. what you (a trusted and respected person in her life) said was that NOBODY get to push her around or make her feel bad... she is strong and what they say may require her to change how she does things but she doenst have to take it personally or react emotionally... this isnt a D/s thing..its a relationship thing.. it can be part of it..but its not specific to D/s
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    airlia

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    2011-02-28 9-26-04-

    this is a very good point Wulfen but I am not sure if she can see it right now. I have told her that she IS a strong person. but she does not see herself as strong. I am attempting to build this strength in her, it is there, it just needs to be nurtured. Explaining that she took the power away from others and gave it to Me was an over simplification, but that took the pressure off of her and put it on Me. (does that make sense?) so in her mind, right now anyway, NO can make her feel bad, except Me. therefore it was ok for her to not feel bad the second time (or the third time happened tonight) because they couldnt do it. in her mind it is My power, not hers that stopped it. Now I want to try and get her to start realizing that it IS her power, or strenth or confidence, that is doing it. but it may still be a little early to try and explain this. W/we have only been D/s for a week. but her growth has been amazing!!! I am very lucky that she chose Me to help her on her journey.
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    boaz

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    2011-03-30 11-01-44

    sounds like she doesnt have the emotional tools or vocabulary to truly understand her own worth.. and you are doing an excellent job trying to help her see that.. i think your right, damage was caused by a bad dom who didnt know what he was doing... and if that was her first experience with BDSM it can be difficult to break out of that mind set.. thing i have done with subs i know who have had low self esteem, is point out the working of the relationship... short version is basicly this. sub... im not worth anything/self defeating statement.. me.. do you think im worth something? that my opinons, values and thoughts matter? sub..yes.... me.. and i think that you are worth my time, my effort, my energy, and i think you are very valuable.. and you just said that what i say has meaning.. and since i said you have meaning..that means you must be important, because you are important to me...
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  • kulesa

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    2011-06-12 2-56-50-

    Thank you so much for the compliment and advice. this is a great tool that you have here!!!! The other McDom WAS her first experience. And she is carrying some bad things from it I think. she has waited x years to try this again. As I said, she is very, very eager to please Me and is really wanting to give up all control to Me. I have told her that I will take it.... eventually... if she wishes to continue (we are on a x day contract right now) but that we should ease into total control not go full blown yet. This is, as I have been told, a Marathon, not a sprint. I do not want to push her too hard or fast. she is adjusting very well to the things that I am having her do (pushing some of her limits slightly) but we are still in the trust building stage(for her) and she is doing well at accepting Me into her life, her Mind and her body. She has not made any punishable mistakes as of yet. I am confident, that with time, I can break through and hopefully repair or erase and damage that was d
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    staker

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    2011-07-24 5-42-07-

    Well IMO You can tell her that, just like a regular relationship (as people see) that if it wasnt for HER there would be no Dom or Sub, so in turn, she holds the power to make the relationship, she can turn it on or off at her will!
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  • spera

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    2011-08-28 15-52-26

    for instance I hold the cards and he knows that, He also knows when to be rough or sweet, I hold all the cards and if he plays his hand right he will have his win!
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    givens

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    2011-10-16 6-55-26-

    well im not a sub but i might be able to help two ways you could approch it.. is like judo, or many of the other martial arts.. the movements of the throws and such are not powerful in and of themselves.. the power of the opponent is used.. so shes has a great deal of power and strength, but its not the "grunt grunt, muscle muscle" power.. similarly her submission gives her power by the control it gives her over herself.. i think the problem also may be strong may not be the right world.. self confident might be a better term.. a dom will often look for a sub confident in her own submissiveness, who understands it and know what she wants and what she needs (which is not always the same thing) again as a sub she probably prefers doms that have confidence in themselves, not neccesarly physiy strong... just explain it works the other way too..
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  • keels

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    2011-11-05 21-34-31

    these are all great answers and I thank you all!!!!!
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  • Ginnifer

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    2011-11-22 1-05-11-

    good luck! she is lucky to have a dominant who is really thinking about how to help her grow through the relationship. I wish you both the best!
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    shoffner

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    2012-01-08 0-42-33-

    thanks ng!!! for both the compliment (which is very sweet of you) and the good luck wish!!!
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  • Radio

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    2012-01-23 19-03-37

    the strength comes from relinquishing her power to another. without her relinquishing HER power, the Dom/Domme has NO power of their own. therefor her strength lies within granting others power. god that made my head hurt!
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  • balsamo

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    2012-03-31 16-04-09

    but spoken so well blondage!!! Thank you for that. I may try approaching it that way too. I have been given MANY good paths to travel in this thread. how are you??
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  • louthan

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    2012-07-07 2-55-08-

    i am good. you? thank you. all i know is that i feel powerful by "letting" my Dom control me. it empowers me to know that without my stromg will to let myself surrender, my Dom has no power. through this Dom/Domme/sub paradigm, i have cum to realize that I and I alone have the power to give my power over to others if and when i so chose that goes for the general public too.
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    simonsen

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    2012-08-03 22-32-21

    I am well, and very excited about this sub. the point you make is excellent!! but I do not think that she is ready to accept that yet. I WILL keep this post in mind though. It is an excellent way to describe it to her!!! thank you!!!
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